it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
