Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
