And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Randomize
