my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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