After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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