Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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