He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
