so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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