So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
