I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
