Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I love you. Go after that dick
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
