were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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