I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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