I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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