My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
