and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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