You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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