I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
