an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
