I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
