Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
