Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I cut my penus on the lid.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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