This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize