Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
