I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
