I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I need to stop coming to work sober
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize