I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
