I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I can't put those talents on a resume
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
