i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
