Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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