Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
