she woke up with a sticky ear
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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