I will die if light touches me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
