Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
