ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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