I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
