I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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