I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
