Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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