What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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