i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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