it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
