well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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