She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
