i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the condom got lost in my hair
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize