Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
