You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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