On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
