But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
