when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
