dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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