mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
