I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
