I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
