The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
