Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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