i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You were trust falling into bushes
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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