Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize