worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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