I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
