My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize