i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
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