Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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